Things You Don't Need To Say

Things You Don’t Need to Say

In his 1977 poem Psycho Killer, David Byrne suggests.

You start a conversation you can't even finish it
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?

Perhaps I’ve taken his words out of context, but there is good advice somewhere in there for all of us. Too often we say too much or say things that don’t need to be said. When we speak and when we write it is important to think about whether what comes out of our mouths or pens is worth saying.

Another quote on this subject that I’ve always liked is attributed to the American radio host Bernard Melzer. He said “Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”

It is easy to insult and hurt others with our words and it’s not always simple to understand the consequences of our statements.

We can get caught up in the notion that the freedom to say what we want is important. While writers have an obligation to point out uncomfortable realities, the fact that we can say something is not enough reason to say it.

When I started writing I thought that after my parents passed, I would feel some freedom to write more controversially. That idea changed when my mother and father were gone. I found that there wasn’t anything new that I wanted to say. The reasons that I avoided some types of writing really had nothing to do with the risk of offending my parents. Rather it was about having respect for myself. It is important to me to be a decent person.

The questions of what we should write and what we should say are more closely related than we might think. Both deal with the dilemma of whether we should be free to offend.

I believe the answer isn’t always simple. If we are too careful that no one Is offended by our words we may limit our ability to express difficult ideas. There will always be someone who will be put out by even the mildest of statementsPerhaps we should consider what would be sensibly expected to be hurtful to a reasonable person. While we all may come to different conclusions, this method can be a good start to deciding what is worth saying.

Words that are intended to harm aren’t helpful. While the hurt of intentional attacks may seem minor, it is important to consider how we would react to the same words directed at ourselves.

Most of us don’t enjoy others attacking our habits or tastes. Direct insults to our preferences in art or music can be more devastating than we might like to admit. Often comments degrading things another person enjoys are just poorly disguised attempts to cause pain.

In ancient Greek theatre the phrase ob skene referred to episodes of death or violence that had to take place off stage because they were considered hurtful and not fit to be seen. While it is generally agreed that ob skene is not directly related to the modern word obscene, I like to think there is a tangible link between the two terms.

In both our writing and our conversation, there are ideas that might best be left off stage. There are words we are best to leave out of our mouths or off our pages. Like in Greek theatre, it may be best to leave the obscene unseen.